phrases like “you don’t owe anyone anything” and “relationships aren’t transactional” have the power to be used in ways that are very backwards and harmful
for example, no you don’t owe anyone anything in that if some creep is trying to get with you, you can block him without feeling bad. you don’t owe kindness to people who are transphobic or racist or bigoted.
but, you can’t use this as an excuse to fuck over people who have helped you. “you don’t owe anyone anything” isn’t an excuse to allow yourself to forget compassion and basic empathy, it isn’t an excuse for you to be an asshole just because you find it easier to be one
relationships aren’t transactional in that if your partner does something nice for you, you are indebted to them. they do these things because they love you; it is their choice to express love through these gestures
but they are transactional in that you both actively need to be putting time and care into the relationship. ignoring the dynamic of one person caring too much (and putting in excessive (emotional an literal) work and labor) while the other does nothing isn’t healthy. one person can’t solely take and the other person can’t solely give- that’s dangerous, and you can’t put the bandaid of “this isn’t transactional” over a relationship that is draining you in all capacities
i’m tired of seeing these things being misconstrued and used as an excuse to hurt people, while framing it as a way of taking care of yourself
I was talking to my mom the other day, and she said she was going to start going to the gym, because its important care for your body. I’m disabled w/ multiple chronic illnesses, so going to the gym is impossible for me. She seemed to realize this, and started to backtrack, saying like – its part of taking care of herself, and I interrupted and said, “Its okay mom. You and I taking care of ourselves look very different”. And thats what I would like you to know.
Taking care of yourself looks different.
For some people, taking care of themselves looks like fruit smoothies and gym visits, cutting out sugar and weight training.
For some people, taking care of themselves looks like hospital visits, feeding tubes and ports. Needles and tests.
For some people, taking care of themselves looks like taking medication and lying down in a cool dark room.
For some people, taking care of themselves looks like getting any calories in their body that they can.
For some people, taking care of themselves looks like adding in more vegetables and trying to go outside to get sun more often.
For some people, taking care of themselves looks like seeing a therapist, keeping symptom journals, and practicing mindfulness, meds, or grounding techniques.
We all have different needs. Please don’t feel bad about how you care for yourself just because someone else is able to do “more”, or their care is more performative or obvious. Please don’t look down on someone for caring for themselves in a way that you do not. Medication and rest are just as important as exercise and vegetables.
Keep doing your best to care for yourself, the best way you know how. Your self care and health is important, no matter what it looks like.
test 