Greek mythology: aren’t the god great they only sexually harassed my wife and turned one of my children into a stag beetle this week
Norse mythology: dînghïr œne nüt got his name when he killed a lizard the size of every mountain in the world without Odin’s permission so Odin thought it would be funny to punish him by making him fart so hard one of his nuts flew off
Chinese mythology: This guy just shot down 9 of the 10 suns scorching the planet but he’s mean now so his wife and her rabbit overdosed on immortality pills and floated into the moon so he won’t be a tyrant forever and we made cake in her honor
Yoruba mythology: a project team of gods was sent to earth on THE most massive project ever and the men decided to exclude the lone woman on the team because har har girls suck, and she responded by taking ALL OF THE WATER ON EARTH and watched the men take L’s until the team lead made them take her back
This same goddess is the one a group of male human villagers had to appeal to when the women of their village got so pissed off at their fuckery, they literally left and set up shop somewhere else and had zero plans of coming back
Aztec mythology: Tezcatlipoca is at it again. Which Tezcatlipoca? Does it even matter at this point? Also, Quetzalcoatl had a bright idea again. It ended up in disaster. Again.
irish mythology: local queen kicks husband out of bed for trying to prove he brought more to the marriage. this results in supremely vicious and bloody war over a cow that ravaged Ulster and Connacht.
the talmud: these rabbis are basically LotR wizards as scripted by Mel Brooks. one time Rabbi Eliezer got so mad about an argument over how to make an over kosher that he destroyed 1/3 of the world’s crops. it would have been all of them but when they sent someone to tell him he was excommunicated for the oven fight he broke the news gently. also he tried to murder Rabbi Hillel with a tidal wave but Hillel rebuked the wave so that was done.
Sumerian mythology: The water god cheated on his wife with his great great granddaughter so now all his limbs are pregnant
Indian mythology: The sun god is a hebepbile who had sex with an 11 year old because she said some mantra without knowing what it does.
The child resulting from the union is half sun half human and has golden armour grafted to his skin so nothing can kill him. But the catch is he’s a generous guy and god hates him so much that he turns him into a cosmic chew toy.
for real, though, why do recipes consistently tell you to use less herbs and spices in than you should. fuck your “two cloves of garlic,” fuck your “half teaspoon of cinnamon,” and you can absolutely go to hell with your “dash of black pepper”
I’m pretty sure that the only time I’ve ever actually managed to overseason food was when working with balsamic vinegar, which is the most overpowering motherfucker of a sauce known to man
i appreciate the energy and anger in this post, which is righteous and just
test 