my boyfriend and I sometimes struggle to be on the same page when it comes to comforting- often i just want to vent and don’t need advice, whereas validation confuses him and he wants a plan of action
to counter this, we’ve come up with a system where we ask: “do you want advice, empathy, both or neither?”
if it’s just advice, i know to go straight to action points and not spend time on fluffy words
if it’s just empathy, he knows i want to be reassured and comforted and that’s all
if it’s both, it’s time for advice that recognises how hard the situation is and is perhaps gentler in nature
if it’s neither, just a hug is really good
i recommend trying to use this in your lives! it makes sure you’re giving and getting what you need, and reduces the risk of resentment or similar
me: wakes up
me: ahh what a lovely day
me literally ten minutes later: i have no future and will never be able to pursue my dreams
Also, don’t let somebody dismiss what you say until they use actual words. An eyeroll is not a response. A snort is not a response. A chuckle is not a response. Looking at other people is not a response. Unless they can engage their mouth with their brain and explain why you’re wrong, know that you’ve won.
You ever look at your art and just think “This isn’t good enough, I’m sure I can do better than this” but no matter how much improve, or how fast, that feeling never goes away and it leaves you with this sense of perpetual disappointment in yourself. Friends assure you that “No really it looks awesome”, part of you knows that it is good but then the ‘not good enough’ comes back around and suddenly compliments seem patronizing and insincere even when you know they’re not. You push your abilities a bit more than you have before, you make something you can finally be proud of only to see all the flaws in it and everything you could have done differently three days later. It’s a frustrating cycle that never seems to end and you question “why do I keep doing this? Am I just stuck with art because it’s all I’ve ever been good at? Is this what I really want to do?” The only consolation prize comes right at the perfect moment while you’re still proud of what you made and the overwhelming inferiority hasn’t set in yet. It comes in the form of a compliment. Maybe just one or two but in that moment, at the peak of the high, that one compliment is what you’ve been chasing. Somebody else acknowledging that you are good enough and in that moment nothing could make you happier. So the cycle resets, you chase the high and you get better. Some highs last longer than others and some lows are especially treacherous. Sometimes it’s easier to turn the struggle into a competition, sometimes you want to give up altogether.
what you said was very sweet and means a lot to me but i am incapable of properly responding in any way besides “thank you so much aaaah” because i do not know how to accurately express the exact level of my gratitude to where you completely understand how much what you said meant to me without me getting even more emotional and looking like a fucking nerd: an autobiography